Zelgadis, Who Made The Princess Laugh
by Astra M
Summary: On an average day outside Seyruun, Lina & co. have nothing better to do than get stuck in... a twisted fairy tale. Break out the salt.
1. Part One - The Calling

__

_Slayers Fanfic - "Zelgadis, Who Made The Princess Laugh"  
A Fractured Fairy Tale Retold by Astra M._

* * *

Slayers copyright Hajime Kanzaka/Rui Araizumi/Kadokawa Shoten/TV TOKYO/SOFTX/Marubeni. This is a derivative work based on the Slayers series created purely for entertainment value; no profit is being made from its dissemination.

* * *

****

**Part One - The Calling   
**  
_One glorious afternoon in early fall, on a grassy knoll outside Seyruun..._   
  
**Lina**: Hey guys... notice how quiet it's been for us since all those fanfic writers started school?   
  
**Gourry**: Yeah. No more casting us in those silly fairy tales.   
  
**Zelgadis**: Or dressing us up in those ridiculous costumes.   
  
_He shudders. Nearby, Amelia sighs happily.   
_  
**Amelia**: It's a gift from the gods!   
  
_All nod their heads in agreement. The pleasant scene continues. Suddenly -_   
  
ALRIGHTY, YOU SLACKERS! UP 'N' AT 'EM!! LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!!!   
  
**Everyone**: YAH!   
  
_They all jump up and start looking around quizically at each other, then up at the sky._   
  
**Zelgadis**: What the -   
  
**Amelia**: Was that a voice from... heaven?   
  
_Her voice starts to quiver. Lina gets annoyed._   
  
**Lina**: Oh be _serious_, Amelia. Everyone knows that the gods don't speak to us like that!   
  
**Amelia**: How do you know?   
  
**Lina** (_rolling eyes_): Well, if they _did_, then... (_thinking fast_)... anyone could talk right _back_ to them!   
  
_The more she thinks about it, the more the idea appeals to her. Winking at Amelia, she continues:_   
  
**Lina**: Yeah, you could tell them _anything_, anything at all, just like this...   
  
_Putting her hands to her mouth, she throws her head back and begins to shout towards the sky.   
_  
**Lina**: HEY! YOU UP THERE! WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_aside_): Not particularly.   
  
**Amelia** (_shocked_): Miss Lina!   
  
_Lina shoots a poisoned look at Zelgadis, yet continues on:_   
  
**Lina**: PERSONALLY, IF I WHERE IN CHARGE, I THINK I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB!   
  
_A pause. Lina crosses her arms, giving a knowing nod. Then -_   
  
WELL, EX-SQUEEEEEZE ME, LINA. NICE TO KNOW YOU CARE.   
  
**Lina**: ACK!   
  
**Amelia**: I knew it! Now Miss Lina's going to burn in hell for sure!   
  
**Zelgadis**: And you didn't think she was before?   
  
**Gourry**: Heck, even I knew that.   
  
**Lina**: HEY YOU GUYS!!!   
  
_After regaining her... ah... composure, Lina returns her attention meekly heavenwards...   
_  
**Lina**: Um, who's there?   
  
_Silence. Then -_   
  
YOU HAVE TO ASK?   
  
**Lina** (_to herself_): Dammit, I'm going to burn in hell for sure.   
  
DO TELL.   
  
_Another uncomfortable pause, longer this time. Everyone looks around at each other nervously. Then, not being able to take it anymore, Lina breaks the silence:_   
  
**Lina**: Ah, what do you want with... us?   
  
WHY, LINA, TO CAST YOU IN A PLAY OF COURSE.   
  
**Everyone** (_facefaults_): _What????_   
  
**Lina**: _Excuse me?_ Did you just say, "cast us in a _play?"   
_  
YOU GOT IT.   
  
_Lina suddenly recovers her earlier bravado and turns quietly to the others.   
_  
**Lina**: Unbelievable. This has to be a joke.   
  
**Gourry**: Huh? What makes you think that?   
  
**Lina** (_getting annoyed_): Oh, come ON! Some almighty being on high sticks her head out to let us know she exists and is going to waste her time to cast us in a _play?_ Get real! (_to herself_) It's probably just Xelloss pulling another one of his looney stunts...   
  
**Amelia**: But what if it _isn't?_ Don't you think we should go along with it? What if she gets... angry?   
  
**Gourry**: Yeah, Lina, why make things worse?   
  
**Lina**: _Puh-leeze!_ You guys are so GULLIBLE! First of all, we have absolutely _no proof_ that this voice actually belongs to some "divine being," or whatever she fashions herself, _or _that this whole scenario is anything other than some _cheap ploy_ designed to make us all act like idiots! And _I _for one - (_directing an angry glare up at the sky_) - WON'T DO IT - AND I DARE YOU TO TRY AND MAKE ME DO OTHERWISE!!!   
  
_More silence follows as Lina continues to glare upwards, not noticing Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadis taking a collective step backwards._   
  
LINA, IF YOU DON'T COOPERATE...   
  
**Lina** (_belligerently_): Yeah?   
  
... I'LL DUMP YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN A HENTAI FIC SO FAST -   
  
**Lina** (_turning bright red_): DON'T GO THERE!!!   
  
**Zelgadis** (_none to quietly_): Dammit, Lina, you just never know when to quit, do you?   
  
**Lina** (_nervously_): Heh...   
  
_Shortly thereafter:_   
  
OKAY, FOLKS, WE'LL DO THIS BY THE NUMBERS. FOR THE LEAD ROLE -   
  
**Amelia**: Um, excuse me, Miss...?   
  
YES?   
  
**Amelia**: Ah, what should we call you, by the way?   
  
_A pause.   
_  
HMM. HADN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, COME TO THINK. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME... THE NARRATOR.   
  
**Lina**: The Narrator? (_rolls eyes_) That's original.   
  
THAT'S **MISS** NARRATOR TO YOU, LINA.   
  
**Lina** (_gulps_): Just kidding!   
  
RIGHT. NOW THAT'S TAKEN CARE OF, FOR THE LEAD ROLE -   
  
**Amelia**: Excuse me! Miss Narrator? I have a question!   
  
(_sighs_) ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?   
  
**Amelia**: Um... you haven't told us what fairy tale we're doing.   
  
_A really long pause._   
  
**Lina**: Great, Amelia, get her all worked up now...   
  
OKAY, NOT A PROBLEM. I'VE GOT JUST THE THING. WE'RE GOING TO DO A LITTLE TALE CALLED "HANS, WHO MADE THE PRINCESS LAUGH."   
  
_Silence._   
  
WON'T THAT BE FUN?   
  
**Gourry**: Who's "Hans?"   
  
**Zelgadis** (_to Amelia_): You ever hear of that one?   
  
**Amelia**: Never. And I love fairy tales.   
  
**Lina**: Hey, pardon _me_ Miss Narrator, but isn't the whole _point_ of this to do a fairy tale people will actually RECOGNIZE?!?   
  
**Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis**: Lina!!! Shhh!!!   
  
WELL, THAT'S TRUE... I SUPPOSE WE COULD ALWAYS DO SOMETHING MORE POPULAR, LIKE SNOW WHITE OR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST... THEN IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER OF FIGURING OUT WHO GETS TO KISS WHOM AND -   
  
**Lina**: _GAK!!!_ Hey, Hey, HEY!!! No need to get drastic! "Hans" sounds great - RIGHT guys?   
  
_She shoots a well-known furious glance at the others.   
_  
**Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis** (_unconvinced_): Uh, yeah.   
  
CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?   
  
_Halfhearted mumbling.   
_  
GREAT. NOW BARRING ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS, WE HAVE FOR THE LEAD ROLE OF HANS - ZELGADIS GREYWERS!   
  
**Zelgadis**: Excuse me.   
  
WHAT IS IT, ZEL?   
  
**Zelgadis**: Look, not to be... _rude_... but isn't this a severe case of miscasting?   
  
HOW SO?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_rolls eyes_): Well, look at the _title_ - Hans, who made the Princess LAUGH.   
  
**Lina**: He has a point.   
  
PISH POSH. HE'LL BE JUST SPIFFY.   
  
_Zelgadis throws up his hands, muttering to himself._   
  
AND NOW FOR THE BAIT... AMELIA, COME HERE.   
  
**Amelia**: Yes, Miss Narrator?   
  
**Zelgadis**: Bait?   
  
GIVE ME A SMILE, PLEASE.   
  
_Amelia, looking relieved, steps forward and beams happily.   
_  
**Amelia**: Like this?   
  
PERFECT.   
  
_She suddenly vanishes from sight. The others start in shock._   
  
**Lina, Gourry**: Amelia!   
  
**Zelgadis** (_upset_): What did you do to her?   
  
CALM DOWN, ZELLY-BOY. YOU'LL SEE HER SOON ENOUGH.   
  
**Zelgadis**: (_twitches_)  
  
NOW THAT'S SETTLED, WE HAVE IN THE ROLE OF THE PRINCESS' FATHER -   
  
**Lina**: _Oh no!_ Not -   
  
PRINCE PHILEONEL IL DE SEYRUUN!   
  
**Phileonel**: WELL, HELLO, LINA! FANCY MEETING YOU HERE!   
  
**Lina**: Ugh... Prince Useless himself.   
  
BE NICE, LINA - OR ELSE.   
  
**Lina**: Just kidding!   
  
UH-HUH. MOVING RIGHT ALONG, IN THE SECOND PRINCIPAL ROLE OF THE MYSTERIOUS SORCEROUS OLD HAG WE HAVE -   
  
**Lina**: HEY! Now _just_ a minute -!   
  
YES, LINA, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?   
  
**Lina**: Look, I don't mind playing a sorceress, naturally, but an _old hag_ is -   
  
I NEVER SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE OLD HAG.   
  
**Lina**: Huh? But you said -   
  
THAT IT WAS THE SECOND PRINCIPAL ROLE, YES. NOW -   
  
**Lina**: Hey, Hey, HEY!!! Aren't I playing that part?   
  
AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?   
  
**Lina** (_quite upset_): IT'S **MY** SHOW DAMMIT!!!   
  
OH, IS THAT IT? WELL, DON'T WORRY, LINA, I'VE GOT JUST THE THING. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. IN FACT, I COULDN'T DO THE PLAY WITHOUT IT. BOTH YOU AND GOURRY -  
  
**Lina** (_a little excitedly_): Yeah?   
  
- GET TO PLAY THE EXTRAS.   
  
**Lina, Gourry** (_facefault_): HUH?   
  
AREN'T YOU PLEASED?   
  
**Lina**: And just _why_ would I be pleased by playing an EXTRA??!!!   
  
WELL, BASICALLY YOU GET TO PLAY YOURSELF, YOU KNOW -  
  
**Lina** (_thoroughly annoyed_): O-kay! If _that's_ the way you want to play it... (_she begins to chant the Dragon Slave_.)   
  
**Gourry**: Lina!   
  
- AS YOU WERE SOME YEARS AGO.   
  
_A sudden flash of light envelops both Gourry and Lina. It fades a few moments later to reveal Lina and Gourry both looking much as they had before, with the most notable change being..._   
  
**Lina**: WHAT THE HECK AM I WEARING???   
  
**Gourry**: Hey, Lina, I never knew you were a barmaid.   
  
**Zelgadis** (_snickering_): Nice pigtails.   
  
**Lina**: _**$&#!!!   
**_  
**Zelgadis**: Gourry, is that a school uniform you're wearing?   
  
**Lina**: Never mind _that_... (she stoops in to get a better look, her eyes suddenly widening)... GOURRY! Is that an _Edo Academy Uniform???   
_  
**Zelgadis** (_shocked_): WHAT?   
  
**Gourry**: Well, yeah, of course it is.   
  
**Zelgadis**: YOU went to the EDO ACADEMY?!?   
  
**Lina** (_muttering_): You went to _school?   
_  
**Gourry**: Of course I did. Why, what's so special about it?   
  
_Lina and Zelgadis both hit the ground. Quickly recovering, Lina jumps up and grabs ahold of Gourry's collar:_   
  
**Lina**: YOU IDIOT - it just _happens_ to be one of the oldest, most respected, prestigious, _well-known_ academies in the entire WORLD -   
  
**Zelgadis**: Not to mention one of the most _difficult_ to get into -   
  
**Lina, Zelgadis**: - HOW did you get IN?   
  
**Gourry**: Really? Funny, I thought the entrance exams were all pretty easy...   
  
**Zelgadis** (_groaning_): Please, enough already!   
  
**Lina **(_suddenly frowning_): Hey, Zel, why haven't you changed?   
  
**Zelgadis**: How should I know?   
  
THE PERKS OF BEING THE LEAD CHARACTER. NOW IF YOU'RE ALL DONE ADMIRING YOURSELVES -  
  
**Lina**: (_twitches_)   
  
- WE WILL CONTINUE WITH THE CASTING. IN THE ROLE OF THE OLD HAG -   
  
**Lina**: HEY MISS NARRATOR!   
  
(_a little testy_) WHAT IS IT _THIS_ TIME, LINA?   
  
**Lina**: Look, this has all been well and fun - _not_ - but don't you think it's time to drop the act?   
  
... AND WHAT ACT WOULD THAT BE?   
  
**Lina**: Oh, _please!_ I _know_ who you are! And frankly, I'm getting really _tired_ of this stupidity.   
  
OH REALLY? AND PRAY TELL, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?   
  
**Lina** (_really angry_): OH KNOCK IT OFF, XELLOSS, YOU THIRD RATE FRUIT CAKE! WHO THE HELL ELSE WOULD PULL SUCH A RIDICULOUS STUNT -   
  
**Xelloss**: Why, Lina! I never knew you cared!   
  
**Lina**: HUH!!!   
  
_Lina stares at the so-called mysterious priest, who is now smiling pleasantly not two steps away. Gourry and Zelgadis also look on in surprise. Lina quickly shoots a glance up at the sky, then back at Xelloss._   
  
**Lina**: Um... Xelloss? How _long_ have you been standing there?   
  
**Xelloss**: Now that is a -   
  
**Zelgadis** (_quickly clapping a hand over Xel's mouth_): Don't you DARE say it!   
  
WELL, LINA...YOU WERE SAYING?   
  
**Lina**: Uh, never mind.   
  
GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY.   
  
**Lina**: Xelloss... why are _you_ here?   
  
**Xelloss**: Don't you know? I get to be -   
  
**Zelgadis**: OH NO...   
  
YES, THE MYSTERIOUS SORCEROUS OLD HAG. GOOD JOB, ZELGADIS.   
  
**Zelgadis**: It never fails.   
  
**Xelloss**: It's because I look better in a dress than you do, Zelgadis.   
  
**Zelgadis**: And why the _hell_ would I care about that, you -   
  
ZIP IT, YOU TWO. THERE WILL BE NO CROSS-DRESSING IN THIS FAIRY TALE. AT LEAST, NOT YET.   
  
**Zelgadis, Xelloss, Gourry**: Shyeah, whatever.   
  
ALRIGHTY, THEN. ROUNDING OFF THE LIST OF EXTRAS, WE HAVE -   
  
**Lina**: _What?_ You mean to tell me that Gourry and I aren't the _only_ extras in this farce?   
  
WELL GEEZ, LINA, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE A GREAT ACTRESS OR ANYTHING.   
  
**Lina**: WHY YOU -   
  
**Gourry**: Lina! Don't provoke her anymore!   
  
AND THE EXTRAS ARE:   
  
AN ECLECTIC MIX OF SLAYERS SUPPORTING CAST SELECTED FOR THEIR ABILITY TO BRING BALANCE AND DEPTH TO THE LEAD CHARACTERS...   
  
**Lina**: And just what does _that_ mean?   
  
ANYONE WILLING TO WORK FOR SCALE.   
  
**Lina**: Geez... what the heck kind of production is this, anyway?   
  
**Gourry**: A whole lot shorter if you'd just be quiet.   
  
_(Continued!)_

__


	2. Part Two - The Telling

__

_(Trust me, folks, it only gets worse from here...)_   
  
**Part Two - The Telling**   
  
PLACES EVERYONE! WE'LL ONLY DO THIS ONCE, SO MAKE SURE YOU ALL COME IN AT THE RIGHT TIME! READY? ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO!   
  
_ONCE UPON A TIME...   
_  
**Lina**: _Ahem_.  
  
_YES, LINA?   
_  
**Lina**: Not to be, you know, _rude_ or anything, but perhaps it might be easier on the audience if you lowered the volume a notch?   
  
_Point taken.   
_  
**Lina**: Now, was that so difficult?   
  
_Yeah, whatever. Now kindly GET BACK IN YOUR PLACE!_   
  
**Lina** (_shrugs_): Just trying to be helpful.   
  
_Once upon a time there was a king..._   
  
**Phileonel**: (_grins_)  
  
**Lina**: (_shudders_)   
  
_... who had a daughter, and she was so lovely that reports of her beauty went far and wide..._   
  
**Lina** (_somewhat miffed_): Shyeah, whatever.   
  
_... but she was so melancholy that she never laughed..._  
  
**Gourry**: Hmm, doesn't sound like Amelia to me.   
  
**Lina**: Yeah, it sounds more like Zelgadis.   
  
**Zelgadis**: Hmph.   
  
_... and besides she was so grand and proud that she said "No" to all who came to woo her - she would not have any of them, whether they were princes or noblemen.   
_  
**Lina**: Ho-_kay!_ Hold on a minute there, Miss Narrator.   
  
_Oh, for the love of... what is it NOW, Lina?_   
  
**Lina**: Hey, almighty Narrator Ma'am, just trying to point out a little CHARACTER INCONSISTENCY, that's all. Nothing important.   
  
_Look, Lina, if it makes you happy - her mother's dead, her father's... unique. It's a lot to handle, okay?   
_  
**Lina**: Can't argue with that (_muttering to herself_) even though I think I should...   
  
_Regardless of the princess' personal psychological issues, the king had tired of this whim of hers long ago, and thought she ought to get married like other people; there was nothing she need wait for - she was old enough and she would not be getting any richer either way, for she was to have half the kingdom, which she inhereted after her mother.   
_  
**Phileonel**: Why, I was a young man myself when I met and married her mother... (_beginning to get a misty tone to his voice_)... I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on her... that long, flowing hair; those disdainful eyes; the proud, haughty tone to her voice; a laugh that could bring a grown man to his knees; and a pair of the biggest brea-   
  
**Lina**: PLEASE!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!   
  
_So he made known every Sunday after morning invocations from the steps outside the Great Shrine in Seyruun that he who could make his daughter laugh should have both her and half the kingdom.   
_  
**Lina**: Oh, _brother_, is THAT all?   
  
**Gourry**: Gee, that's hardly any trouble at all. What do you think, Zelgadis?   
  
**Zelgadis**: I'm waiting for the catch.   
  
**Lina, Gourry**: Huh?   
  
_But if anyone who tried and could not make her laugh...   
_  
**Zelgadis**: Can I call them or what?   
  
**Lina**: Whatever! How bad can it be?   
  
_... he would have three red stripes cut out of his back and salt rubbed into them._   
  
**Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis**: SAY WHAT????!!!!!!   
  
**Xelloss**: Kinky.   
  
(_Zelgadis and Gourry look rather worried, while Xelloss stands with chin in hand, smiling tranquilly as usual as he contemplates this twist. Lina, recovering from the momentary shock, starts in on The Narrator_:)   
  
**Lina**: Oh, COME ON! Like anyone would _EVER_ go for such a STUPID contest. Hey guys -   
  
(_She turns to her companions, and finds Zelgadis looking a little uncertain, Gourry looking thoughtful and Xelloss... well, you know._)   
  
**Lina**: Uh, guys...   
  
**Gourry**: Well, you know, Amelia _is_ pretty nice. She's young, but she doesn't look it.   
  
**Lina**: Huh?   
  
**Gourry**: I mean, I know she's younger than you, Lina, but you wouldn't know it to look at her.   
  
(_Zelgadis turns to look at Gourry, an inscrutible look on his face. Xelloss seems to smile a mite wider_.)   
  
**Lina** (_voice getting dangerous_): And just what do you mean by that, Gourry?   
  
**Gourry**: Well, she's built. She's small but well-proportioned. Her face is pretty. Her legs are shapely. Her hips are curvy. And she's got these really big brea-   
  
(_We are spared the rest of this conversation by the insertion of Lina's foot into Gourry's mouth. Xelloss continues to smile blissfully at this scene, while Zelgadis looks on with a vaguely pleased look on his face_.)   
  
**Xelloss** (_claps hands_): Well, Miss Narrator, shall we continue?   
  
_Sad to relate, there were many sore backs in that kingdom. Lovers from south and from north, from east and from west came to try their luck - they thought it was an easy matter to make a princess laugh. They were a strange lot all together, but for all their cleverness and for all the tricks and pranks they played, the princess was just as serious and immovable as ever._   
  
**Lina** (_grumbling_): Men... _**%#&!!!**_   
  
_But close to the palace there lived a man..._   
  
(_Rezo appears smiling_.)   
  
**Zelgadis**: Aren't you dead?   
  
**Rezo** (_ignoring Zel_): A_hem..._ Miss Narrator - a word, please?   
  
_Yes, Rezo?   
_  
**Rezo**: Just "a man?" Surely I merit a little more highly than that?   
  
_All right, a great Red Priest who had three sons..._   
  
**Rezo**: That's more like it.   
  
**Zelgadis**: Why you -   
  
**Lina**: _Ahem_.  
  
_... Lina?_   
  
**Lina**: Didn't you forget to cast them?   
  
(_A pause_.)   
  
_Okay, a great Red Priest who had one son, named Zelgadis._   
  
**Zelgadis**: AHEM   
  
_One grandson/great-grandson named Zelgadis. (EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?)   
_  
_Zelgadis had also heard that the king had made known that he who could make the princess laugh should have her and half the kingdom._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Feh... why would I want half of Seyruun, anyway?   
  
**Gourry**: Why are you making excuses for yourself, Zelgadis?   
  
**Zelgadis**: ... uh...   
  
**Lina** (_elbowing Zel_): But you don't have a problem with having Amelia, eh, Zel?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_blushing furiously_): I didn't mean it like - !  
  
_He thought he would have a go as well. But his brothers -_   
  
**Lina**: _Ahem_.  
  
_- neighbors laughed and made fun of him, and showed him their sore backs. Besides, his father -_   
  
**Zelgadis**: AHEM.   
  
_- grandfather/great-grandfather would not let him go, for he said he had so little sense it was no use trying._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Come again?   
  
**Rezo**: Well, you know it's true.   
  
**Zelgadis**: EXCUSE ME?   
  
_All he could do was sit in a corner on the hearth, like a cat, rooting about in the ashes and cutting chips..._   
  
**Rezo**: Now, Miss Narrator, isn't that language a little too _flowery?_ Why not just come out and say it?   
  
_Okay, he spent the day sulking._   
  
**Rezo**: That's more like it.   
  
**Zelgadis**: (_twitch_)  
  
_But Zelgadis would not take no for an answer. He begged and pleaded so long Rezo got tired of his whining and at last gave him leave to go to the king's palace and try his luck._   
  
**Zelgadis**: I DO NOT WHINE!!!   
  
_Anyway, when he arrived at the palace, he did not say that he had come to try and make the princess laugh, but asked if he could get a situation there._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Well you know, Miss Narrator, I would really rather just stay in an inn if it's all the same...   
  
_No, they had no situation for him, but Zelgadis was not so easily put off; surely there could be a way they could work out a deal for a poor, desperate soul as himself... say, perhaps in his exchanging some cheap menial labor..._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Now _wait_ just a minute here! I don't think -   
  
_... for instance, they might want someone to shovel out the royal stalls, or clean out all the furnaces and drain pipes, or carry wood and water for the kitchen maid in such as big a place as that, he said._   
  
**Zelgadis**: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???   
  
_Yes, the king thought so too, and to get rid of the lad he gave him leave to remain there and carry wood and water for the kitchen maid._   
  
**Phileonel**: I SAY, THERE'S SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT IN THE HEAD WITH THAT ONE, IS THERE?   
  
**Xelloss**: How very true, your Majesty. It's quite a pity what youth are coming to these days.   
  
**Zelgadis** (_fuming_): Go flog yourselves...   
  
_And so time passed. Then one day, when Zelgadis was going to fetch water from the brook, he saw a big fish in the water just under an old root of a fir tree, which the current had carried away all the soil from. He put his bucket quietly under the fish and caught it. As he was going home to the palace, he met an old hag leading a golden goose..._   
  
**Lina**: _A-_   
  
_OH JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!_   
  
**Lina**: Yeesh... no need to get so touchy!   
  
**Zelgadis**: Use our imaginations, huh? Well, in that case... GOOD MORNING, YOU OLD HAG!   
  
**Xelloss**: (_twitch_)   
  
_That's more like it. Anyway, the... uh... old hag thought rather highly of the fish which Zelgadis had in the bucket (just why we'll never know), and said that if Zelgadis would give her the fish he could have the golden goose:_   
  
**Xelloss**: Moreover, there's something special about _this_ particular goose.   
  
**Zelgadis** (_suspiciously_): Yeah? And what would that be?   
  
**Xelloss**: Now that is a -   
  
_XELLOSS!!!_   
  
**Xelloss**: Eh... what I meant to say is that if anyone touches this goose, he or she will stick fast to it as long as you say, "If you'll come along, then hang on!"   
  
**Zelgadis** (_incredulous_): You call _that_ a deal? What kind of _idiot_ would want -   
  
**Xelloss**: Now, Zelgadis, you fail to appreciate the beauty of this situation. All you have to do -   
  
**Zelgadis**: _Feh_. Keep your damn bird; I'm going back to the palace.   
  
_So he turned and left. And in the meantime:   
_  
**Xelloss**: Tut, tut, tut, Zelgadis. This will not do. Well, if you can't beat them - join them!   
  
_And he proceeded to follow Zelgadis, not more than three steps behind, much to Zelgadis' deep disgust, with the golden goose waddling along between them.   
_  
_Zelgadis had not gone far when he met with another old woman...   
_  
**Lina**: HEY, I'm _warning_ you!   
  
_... when he met with a young girl.   
_  
**Xelloss**: Now, Miss Narrator, didn't you promise to be more truthful?   
  
(_Sighs_) _A young girl in a barmaid's getup._ (Lina: Xelloss!!!)_ When this girl saw the golden goose, she was curious and longed to stroke it._   
  
**Xelloss**: It's because she's so greedy, you know.   
  
**Lina**: Shut _up_, Xelloss. (_turning to Zelgadis_) Hey, Zel! What's that you got with you?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_emphatically_): Nothing.   
  
**Lina**: Oh, _right_, Zel. (_She bends in closer to peer at the goose.)_ Hey! This wouldn't actually be -   
  
_(Lina passes an expert eye over the bird, now pecking at Zel's heels - much to his annoyance - and a thought strikes her. She jerks her head back up to look Zelgadis in the face.)_   
  
**Lina**: Zel - this wouldn't be a MYSTICAL GOLDEN GOOSE OF GOLDAVIA?!?   
  
**Zelgadis**: A what?   
  
**Xelloss** (_as if noticing this for the first time_): Why, yes, it _would_ appear to be a Mystical Golden Goose of Goldavia - how clever of you to notice, Lina!   
  
**Zelgadis**: Excuse me?   
  
**Xelloss** (_patiently explaining as if to young child_): A Mystical Golden Goose of Goldavia. It is said that one feather _alone_ can purchase an entire castle, on prime real estate, with the servants -   
  
**Zelgadis**: Spare me.   
  
_(Lina, lost in her own world, has that look in her eye.)   
_  
**Lina**: Zelgadis...   
  
**Zelgadis** (_eyes narrowing_): What?   
  
**Lina**: ... is that a Clair Bible Xelloss is holding?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_whipping around_): WHAT??? GIVE IT TO ME!!!   
  
**Lina**: HA!!! SUCKER!!!   
  
_(She dives for the goose. Zelgadis, realizing the trick, wheels back to warn her:)   
_  
**Zelgadis**: No!!! Lina, _wait -   
_  
**Xelloss**: IF YOU'LL COME ALONG, THEN HANG ON!   
  
_(It's a pleasant day in the woods just outside Seyruun. Trees are swaying gently in the breeze, birds chirping...)_   
  
**Lina**: **_$%#$!!!!!   
_**  
**Zelgadis** (_very sour_): It's your own damn fault.   
  
_A curious trio was seen making its way along the path heading back towards Seyruun, at a slightly slower pace than before with Zelgadis in the lead, and more annoyed than usual. They hadn't gone very far when they ran into a young man dressed in... er... a school boy's uniform._   
  
**Zelgadis** (_sighing_): Hello, Gourry.   
  
**Gourry**: Hey you guys, I was wondering what was keeping - HEY LINA! WHAT HAPPENED?   
  
**Xelloss**: Oh, the usual.   
  
**Lina**: SHUT UP, XELLOSS! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!! WHEN I GET FREE OF THIS DAMN BIRD -   
  
**Xelloss**: Now, now, Lina, I'm sure it's not all _that_ bad.   
  
**Lina**: NOT ALL THAT BAD?!? THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU FREAK! WHEN I GET MY HANDS FREE -   
  
**Gourry**: Uh, Lina?   
  
**Lina** (_breaking off from her angry tirade_): ... yes, Gourry?   
  
**Gourry**: Just what _are_ you doing with your hands?   
  
**Lina**: ISN'T IT OBVIOUS, JELLYFISH BRAINS?   
  
_Indeed, it didn't take more than a casual glance to see that the barmaid was crouched over in an uncomfortable position, both of her hands encircling a goose's neck, which seemed curiously oblivious to the girl's grasp. The schoolboy got a thoughtful look on his face.   
_  
**Gourry**: Hey, Lina, why don't you just let go?   
  
**Lina**: OH GEE, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT???   
  
**Zelgadis** (_sighing_): Look, Gourry, she _can't_ let go - it's because of something Xelloss did with that goose.   
  
**Gourry**: Are you sure? Did you pull hard enough?   
  
**Lina**: What _- uh -_ DoYouThink_ - uh -_ I'mDoing? _errgh!   
_  
**Gourry**: Here, why don't you let me help?   
  
**Zelgadis**: Gourry, I don't think -   
  
**Xelloss**: Oh, come now, Zelgadis, don't you think it's gallant of Gourry to offer Lina a hand?   
  
**Lina**: Gourry! I don't need -   
  
_In spite of the barmaids... ah... gentle protests, the schoolboy positioned himself behind her and placed his hands around her waist._   
  
**Lina** (_beginning to blush_): _Gourry!_ What do you think you're -   
  
**Gourry** (_beginning to pull Lina back_): Just hold on!   
  
_An amusing specatacle followed... at least, amusing to the old hag. Zelgadis looked on in horror while the schoolboy proceeded to stretch the barmaid grotesquely in an effort to pull her off the goose which remained inexplicably rooted to the ground._   
  
**Lina**: _Damn_ - it - _Gou_ - rry - _Let_ - go!   
  
**Gourry** (_grunting_): Just a little more...   
  
**Zelgadis** (_somewhat worried_): Guys, I really don't think -   
  
**Xelloss**: That's the spirit, Gourry! I think you've nearly got her!   
  
**Gourry, Lina**: _EEERRGHHH!!!   
_  
_Suddenly, a popping noise is heard - no, not the barmaid's joints, just the schoolboy suddenly losing his footing and falling like a vise on top of the barmaid. Which wouldn't be such a bad thing, except that the fall forward caused him to shift his grip... quite a bit up the front of the barmaid's body..._   
  
**Lina** (_going red_): GOURRY!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???   
  
**Gourry**: Lina! It's not - !  
  
**Zelgadis**: GOURRY! LET GO -   
  
**Xelloss**: IF YOU'LL COME ALONG...   
  
_Sometime later that glorious day, a curious quartet was seen making its way towards Seyruun, creeping along at an even slower pace than before. Fortunately, they weren't all that far from the city gates now._   
  
**Lina**: FORTUNATELY??? I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARASSED IN MY LIFE!!!   
  
_Indeed, the barmaid had much to be chagrined about. After all, it's not every day one gets paraded in front of a city full of strangers in a rather... compromising position._   
  
**Gourry**: It wouldn't be so bad if there were more to grip on to.   
  
**Lina**: Gourry, you -   
  
**Zelgadis**: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!!!   
  
_Nor is it everyday one gets to be seen leading such a sorry spectacle in front of a city full of strangers._   
  
**Xelloss**: A might touchy today, aren't we, Zelgadis?   
  
**Zelgadis**: Listen you -   
  
_At that moment just as the city gates came into view, the group came upon a couple, dressed rather familiarly..._   
  
**Lina, Gourry**: Oh, _no..._   
  
**Martina**: What's this? Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev? What on earth are you two _doing?_   
  
**Zangulus**: Gourry! Fight me!   
  
**Gourry**: Um, Zangulus, now isn't exactly the time -   
  
**Martina**: Never mind that! Lina - what's that you've got in your hands? Is that...?   
  
**Lina** (_groaning_): If you want to know, it happens to be a Mystical Golden Goose of Goldavia.   
  
**Martina**: A Mystical Golden Goose?   
  
_(She gets a faraway look in her eyes while Gourry and Lina shift uncomfortably, struggling to stay upright as the goose jerks its long neck out to nip at Martina's feet.)_   
  
**Martina**: With such a bird, I could regain my lost fortune, rebuild my kingdom... raise a Great Shrine to the almighty Zoamel Gustar! LINA INVERSE - I demand that you give me that goose!   
  
**Lina**: Gee, I'd _love_ to, Martina, really I would, but there's the little problem of my ATTACHMENT to it.   
  
**Martina**: Ha! A likely story! You're such a greedy little money grubber, Lina!   
  
**Lina**: NOW SEE HERE YOU -   
  
**Zangulus**: Never mind that! Gourry - what the _hell_ do you think you're doing? Be a man and draw your sword!   
  
**Gourry**: Look, Zangulus, I'd love to fight, but I'm a little occupied at the moment.   
  
**Zangulus**: And you call yourself a swordsman? You can grope her later, fool!   
  
**Gourry**: It's not like that!   
  
**Lina**: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!   
  
**Martina**: OF _COURSE_ IT'S NOT LIKE THAT - THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THERE TO GRAB!   
  
**Lina**: THAT _DOES_ IT - GET READY TO FRY, MARTINA!!!   
  
**Zangulus**: GOURRY - GET READY TO FIGHT!   
  
**Gourry**: THAT'S FINE WITH ME, ZANGULUS!   
  
**Zelgadis**: ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?!?   
  
**Xelloss**: Oh, my, isn't this an interesting turn of events?   
  
_Some time later down the streets of the Great White Magic Capitol, a whisper spread quickly among the curious denizens, about a most unusual group that was now heading up the King's Way towards the royal palace. The news spread quickly, and onlookers soon lined the streets, trying to get a glimpse of the sight..._   
  
**Lina**: Just _wonderful_. (_She stumbles suddenly.)_   
  
**Gourry** (_lurching forward_): Whoa! Careful there, Lina!   
  
**Lina**: It's not _my_ fault! Martina - get your elbow out of my face!   
  
**Martina**: Hey! Watch where you're stepping!   
  
**Lina**: So who told you to grab _there_, anyway?   
  
**Zangulus**: Not so fast! Not so fast! I only have one foot on the ground!   
  
_And in the lead..._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Someone just kill me now.   
  
**Xelloss**: Oh, Zelgadis, don't you agree that this has been a most useful experience?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_wheeling on Xelloss_): USEFUL? And just precisely HOW has this been a USEFUL experience?   
  
**Xelloss**: Why, Zelgadis, surely you haven't by now been able to see how this can be advantageous to your current situation?   
  
**Zelgadis**: MY CURRENT SITUATION? LISTEN, YOU JERK, IF YOU HADN'T TRICKED THESE PEOPLE INTO THIS, WE WOULDN'T ALL BE IN THIS MESS!   
  
**Xelloss**: There, there, no need to thank me, Zelgadis, it was my pleasure!   
  
**Zelgadis**: SONUVA-   
  
_The curious onlookers are spared further vulgarity by the sudden appearance of a familiar face in Seyruun (or mace, take your pick.)_   
  
**Filia** (_with baby Valgarv in her arms_): What's all this fuss about? I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and there's all this shouting going on outside - (_suddenly spotting Xelloss_) ... ah, Xelloss, I thought I detected something rotten in the air.   
  
**Xelloss**: (_twitch_)   
  
**Lina**: Filia! Am I glad to see _you!_ (_aside_) I can't believe I just said that...   
  
**Filia**: What is going on here?   
  
**Zelgadis**: Look, Filia, do you think you could help us with -   
  
**Filia** (_looking up and down the stumbling group_): Hmph. I think not. I can imagine you all got this way from listening to something this piece of raw garbage said.   
  
**Zelgadis**: No, it's not -   
  
**Xelloss** (_interrupting_): Well, Zelgadis, this shouldn't be a surprise... what _else_ can you expect from a selfish, stuck-up EX-shrine maiden?   
  
**Filia** (_cradling Valgarv defensively_): Well, at least _I_ know what it means to care about somebody else!   
  
**Xelloss** (_eyeing Valgarv_): Oh? And I'm sure he must be _such_ a bundle of joy to you in your old age.   
  
**Filia**: WHY YOU - !  
  
_Holding her mace aloft, she suddenly lunges at him. Xelloss, smirking, quickly jumps back to avoid the blow... accidentally stumbling into the group gathered around the golden goose. Losing his balance, he reaches out to grab ahold of something...   
_  
**Zangulus**: HEY!!! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GRABBING!!!   
  
**Xelloss**: Oops, terribly sorry -   
  
**Lina**: Zelgadis!_ Don't -_   
  
**Zelgadis**: IF YOU'LL COME ALONG, THEN HANG ON!   
  
_(A pause as the dust settles.)_   
  
**Lina**: Oh, THAT helps a lot, Zel.   
  
**Zelgadis**: I don't know... it sure makes _me_ feel better.   
  
_Filia, a very pleased look on her face, saunters up to the now... er... occupied Xelloss.   
_  
**Filia**: Well, _namagomi_, want me to stroke that golden goose of yours now?   
  
**Xelloss** (_smirking_): Actually, I'd rather _you_ stroked _me_.   
  
**Filia** (_flushing an angry red_): WHAT did you just SAY?!?   
  
_She brings her mace down on Xelloss' head, just in time for him to, well..._   
  
**Baby Valgarv**: _**#$&!!!**_   
  
**Zelgadis**: You said it, kid.   
  
_Meanwhile, up in the Seyruun palace, word had reached the royal family of an unusual spectacle making its way towards the palace. The princess, who had heard the commotion, made her way to the window to see what was going on down below. She didn't have long to wait, as at that moment, through the palace gates and into the courtyard came... _  
  
**Filia**: Stupid Mazoku! When I get this mace free -   
  
**Xelloss**: Idiot Ryozoku! Stop pulling so hard!   
  
**Zangulus** (_hopping on one leg_): Dammit, Xelloss, watch the hands!   
  
**Gourry**: Hey, Zangulus! Try not to shove your boot in so hard!   
  
**Lina**: Gourry! Don't squeeze! And Martina - watch where you're stepping!   
  
**Martina**: YOU watch where YOU'RE stepping, Lina!   
  
**Zelgadis**: WOULD YOU ALL QUIT FOLLOWING ME???   
  
_At that moment, the king came charging up._   
  
**Phileonel**: WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE DOING? THE PRINCESS -   
  
**Zelgadis** (_in shock, as if just remembering something_): The princess...   
  
_A sudden hush fell over the courtyard, as all turned to look up towards the balcony where a lone, veiled figure stood looking down at them._   
  
**Zelgadis**: Princess?...   
  
_The figure didn't move. And then, ever so slightly, her shoulders began to shake._   
  
**Lina**: Half the kingdom and her hand...   
  
**Gourry**: Just to make her laugh...   
  
**Xelloss**: Well, Zelgadis, looks like this is your moment of truth.   
  
**Zelgadis**: ...   
  
_Then, as if deciding to throw all caution to the wind, the figure suddenly tore off her veil and threw her head back, took a deep breath and -_   
  
**Naga**: AH HA HA HA HA HA!!! WHAT A SILLY LITTLE GROUP YOU ARE!!!   
  
_(Everyone in the courtyard falls to their knees, stunned by the ear-splitting laughter.)_   
  
**Zelgadis** (_shouting to be heard_): WHAT THE HELL???   
  
**Lina**: THAT ISN'T AMELIA!!!   
  
**Gourry**: NO KIDDING!!!   
  
**Phileonel**: WHO EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT AMELIA?   
  
_(They all turn to look at the Crown Prince in disbelief. All around them glass from broken windows falls. The ear-piercing laughter continues unabated.)_   
  
**Zelgadis**: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT ABOUT AMELIA?" ISN'T SHE YOUR DAUGHTER?   
  
**Phileonel**: WELL, OF COURSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER, BUT SO IS GRACIA.   
  
**Lina**: _GRACIA???_   
  
**Phileonel**: YES, GRACIA - MY FIRSTBORN DAUGHTER, LOST FOR ALL THESE YEARS. SHE CAME BACK TO US AT LAST, ALL BROKEN HEARTED...   
  
**Lina** (_in disbelief_): BROKEN HEARTED?   
  
**Phileonel**: YES, MY POOR DELICATE LITTLE LAMB... I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO CHEER HER UP AND TAKE HER MIND OFF IT. NOTHING WORKED, THOUGH, AND THEN MR. XELLOSS HERE SUGGESTED WE HAVE A LITTLE COMPETITION TO DRAW IN YOUNG MEN FROM ALL OVER. IF WE WERE LUCKY, AT THE VERY LEAST WE COULD GET HER TO SMILE AGAIN... MAYBE EVEN FIND SOMEONE SHE LIKED...   
  
**Zelgadis**: XELLOSS...   
  
**Xelloss**: Oh, did I forget to mention that?   
  
**Everyone**: _YES!!!!   
_  
**Naga**: AH HA HA HA HA HA!!! WHY LINA, IS THAT YOU DOWN THERE? I NEVER EXPECTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MY DIMINUITIVE JUNIOR PARTNER! AND PRAY TELL, WHO IS THAT LARGE BLOND MAN HANGING ON TO YOU? NOT THAT HE HAS ALL THAT MUCH TO HOLD ON TO!   
  
**Lina** (_muttering_): Somebody kill me now.   
  
**Phileonel** (_clapping a hand on Zel's shoulder_): WELL, YOU WON FAIR AND SQUARE. WHAT DO YOU SAY, ZELGADIS?   
  
**Zelgadis** (_suddenly shocked back to reality_): WHAT??? ME MARRY _HER???_ NOW WAIT JUST ONE -   
  
**Xelloss**: Now, Zelgadis, before you answer, just think of how much fun you could have on your honeymoon!   
  
**Zelgadis** (_lunging at Xelloss_): YOU... SICK FREAK!!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU -   
  
**Lina**: DAMMIT, DON'T FIGHT!!! WHAT ABOUT THIS CURSE?!? STOP MOVING, YOU JERKS!!!   
  
_And so we draw the curtain on this tortured little tale, wishing all a pleasant life...   
_  
**Lina**: OH BITE ME!!!   
  
**Amelia**: I was hardly in this one!   
  
**Zelgadis**: Be grateful.   
  
_The End._


End file.
